Much of our lifelong search for identity and purpose hinges on our attitude. Because our attitude is one of the few things about any situation we can control, it isn’t surprising that it plays such a huge factor in our outlook on life and the paths we choose to tread.

So what exactly do I mean by an “only child” mentality? Come now! Surely you already know – that air of self-importance, of not wanting to share, of grabbing the best toy and hightailing it to a corner. Before you get your tail in a tizzie, I’m an only child – actually. So, while the above stereotype does sometimes apply, the following are also often true.

As an only child I learned to play multi-player games all by myself. I was each of the players and kept careful records of each move and its result. I could walk alone for hours or ride my horse or read or any other sundry activity. I didn’t need to be surrounded by constant chatter or other people, but I wasn’t lonely. I was comfortable in my own skin.

I realized just recently, however, that all that being okay with being alone made me a rather selfish person. Not intentionally selfish as in the paragraph listing the won’t share, nose-in-the-air only child idea. But, selfish in that I wasn’t very good at listening to or empathizing with others. I was terrible (still am) at making small talk in group gatherings or putting others at ease, and I’m always wanting to break in with my own thoughts rather than waiting for others to state their opinions. Often, I revelled in being the center of attention, enjoyed the spotlight for selfish reasons.

As they say, recognizing and admitting to one’s problem is the first step toward correcting it. As such, I’ve been working (rather slowly) at rectifying my “only child” mentality.

Many of us may come to this attitude from childhood as I did, but others may come to it later in life. Perhaps as a result of a change in life circumstances: an empty nest, retirement, a mid-life crisis. It is the idea that it’s time to “do something for myself” or that we shouldn’t have to share or serve. Or even that I want to do what I want, when I want.

This is the world’s mentality – not God’s mentality.

It moves us away from our purpose – our true God-given, albeit narrow, path – and onto the world’s broad one. Satan’s path. Or to put it in a less sinister way, a path less rigorous and much wider than the one God chose for us. This path may not even include wrong or bad things. As in an earlier blog post, it might be filled with myriads of good and beneficial endeavors – just not the ones that we’re called to for the furtherance of God’s Kingdom on earth.

How then, if we’re intent on rooting our identity in Christ and seeking and following our purpose as it relates to the Kingdom and bringing glory to the Most High, do we shake this pull to “do our own thing” or “take care of number one” as we’re often encouraged to do? First of all, let me warn you, I don’t have this figured out. I’m still a work-in-progress. However, I do have a few tips that the past few years of niggling these problems and ideas have revealed.

1. Connection helps combat the idea that alone and isolated is okay. Whether that isolation be because we’ve situated ourselves (or been thrust) at the top of a theoretical pyramid or pedestal or heirarchy or chain of command, or whether it be the flawed “I’m an island sufficient unto myself” philosophy.
2. Connect with God’s Word. Read the Bible and root yourself in scripture. Each morning my husband and I listen to the Verse of the Day story from YouVersion’s Bible app. It is a wonderful way to begin the day together and rooted in the right thoughts.
3. Connect with God through prayer. Also on the app is a guided prayer that helps me focus my thoughts on others and on praising the Almighty. I often spend my short commute praying for others or listening to praise music.
4. Connect with others. I’ve been trying to work on my people skills. Listening before speaking. Active listening, not just letting the words flow in and then out of my ears, but engaging with them so I get a feel for the true sense of what a person is saying through body language and facial expressions. If you’ve ever been truly listened to, you know what I mean. Some people do this automatically. I have to work at it, but I’m trying.
5. Connect with your purpose. Write it down. Read it each day to remind yourself what you’re working towards. Whatever it is.
6. Connect with the Spirit of the living God who dwells inside you. Take time each day to commune with the One who knows you best and who wants to lead you into your best life.
7. Serve others. By seeking out ways to serve those around you, you’ll be moving closer to the image Jesus left for us to emulate. In all things, His first thought was to serve – not Himself – but God and others. Make this a daily goal, to find a way to do something positive and unnoticed for someone you intersect.

Please pray for me as I continue to adjust my only-child mentality. I’m actively working to overcome the conditioning of my youth and replace it with the attitude of Christ, but the grafting process is often painful and difficult. I am determined and with the guidance of the Spirit am confident I’m moving in the right direction.

What about you? Are you like me and have trouble relating to those around you on a deeper level, or are you one of those naturally gregarious people who can draw out the shiest, most introverted person in the group?

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I wish you a joyous and connected Thanksgiving holiday. Until next month may God bless and keep you!

Featured Image Photo Credit: Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash